Plastic Watches

The light beckons, the storm rages, energy fades, but I move on..


Things get hold of you; Move you, make you feel, make you want them. The same goes for people. Some become friends, others foes, some others acquaintances. There are some you forget about, some you never cease to think about, some whom you wished were with you all along.

But there will only be one person, from whom, you just cannot walk away and move on.

Down the winding paths, into the unknown, into time. We walk along, some times we find a zephyr in the sky that lights our path, but in times of darkness, we hold each other close, lean on each other, trundle along and keep going. Darkness and doubt dispelled by company. The company of the one person, without whom we would have quit long back.

To lose the person, shall be life wasted, to walk along the winding paths alone dampening, unable to enjoy the moment of light the zephyr throws, with some one to share with all of a sudden has a whole different meaning.

I have lost the meaning once, i fell hard. I got up, dusted myself and went back - In search of another meaning, many were close, but the feeling just not right, and my heart just not accepting. I wandered along, for days, trying to find what i had lost, then i realised, that you should search for it, where you have lost it.

I am still searching; I have a faint trace of it. The miniscule incandescence of a glow worm in a dark storm infected night, but the glow is unmistakable. It beckons to me, i answer the call, I move, I keep moving, the storm rages on, the light keeps disappearing, but I move on.

Can I get there?

The light beckons, the storm rages, my energy fades, but I move on..

I stood. I stood there, eyes uplifted, exhausted, satisfied...

As the superb opening bars of the magnificent depth of my feelings swelled upwards, the test phase of my confession, purposely difficult, purposely self immolating, a trance like stillness seemed to descend and embrace my angel. Whether it elevated her and ennobled me, I was unaware.

I seemed to lose myself in the meaning, the outcome and the purpose of this soul rending recital. I became a lost chills seeking recognition of its wailing and admittance into the embrace of its mother. I gave it everything I have got, knowing, rejoicing and exhausting myself in the supreme and never before put in effort.

I stood. I stood there, eyes uplifted, exhausted, satisfied, yet all the muscles in my heart, working furiously, ceaselessly yet, in flux, bordering on the verge of complete oblivion.

There fell a dead silence upon my angel, her visage betraying no trace of emotion, her eyes steel. She went through all this batting not an eye lid. Just Silence.

Then, then came a roar that lifted the roof, and shook the very foundations of my soul, sweeping upwards from all parts of her great eyes and lips, a standing ovation. All this is the silence of her understanding eyes, the traces of a faint smile playing almost invisible on her lips and the quiver in her voice, in the few words that she spoke.

It was a battle, a small one though. But I had, at last won.


Finally it was all over.

Switch over.
Fast forward to yesterday.


This is how it went…

There I was, standing at the gateway to my angels abode, taking a deep breath and thinking to myself – well friend here goes, either you miss this shot and forget all about it, or get a bulls eye and then forget all about it. But as you all are aware, hitting it and then forgetting all about is all the more rewarding than the scenario otherwise.

When life is going on in a particular track, it becomes very difficult for us to make it change lanes, unless where are totally and completely in control. To be totally in control, you need to either of the two things – totally unemotionally or just super human.

Though I usually consider myself to be very much the latter, I fail miserably when it comes to things like love, affection and all the other synonyms. In these instances, I am a total freak and a teddy bear.

But, yes, isn’t there always a but to everything I put down in here for all the world to see? I am getting there, and yesterday I took my first calculated step. By calculated I mean that I understood what all could happen and was ready to face them. So far so good.

This is how it went...

As the superb opening bars of the magnificent depth of my feelings swelled upwards, the test phase of my confession....

A Brand new day. A brand new train of thought. Alas, the same old rails

Practising what you preach, takes effort. Preaching what you practice requires merciless honesty - My own Quote

Everyone who was anyone to me in any which way had one thing to say about me - I always express what I wish to. That was so, and to a very large extent it is still so barring one person, to whom I could never really express the depth of my feelings. As I thing and look back, I can positively identify several reasons as to why I was not able to do so.

But then, anyone who is moderately sane or at the least incomprehensibly drunk can make out the futility of the exercise, carried out in retrospect. Unfortunately things like then cannot be ratified. Once the moment passes, it will and shall continue to remain so. Thinking about it itself is futility in itself, but this time, this is futility with a purpose. (Wow, was that a paradox?)

I wanted to say things about how difficult practising what you preach actually gets, but I am feeling very very sleepy. Hence, I decide that, this is also a futility and resign myself, albeit temporarily to bed.

The best part about understanding is that, It wont happen unless you understand it.

- My own Quote


Now, I placed myself firmly in a situation which is clearly going to cause some serious issues if I do not address it immediately. Remember my previous blogs where I have been ranting about a female with whom I was in love with?

Yeah, yeah, we are covering that familiar territory once again, but then, this time, there seems to be a different twist to all that. Though the results are startlingly similar, the situation as I said, is different. (Okay, just a little bit)

I thought with the passing of time (time being the indefinite factor here) or space time, I thought that I would be able to get over my feelings for my sweetheart, and till today, I was leading myself to believe that it was a fact. But now, I know for sure that I haven’t gotten over her, at least not yet.

The pertinent question is, how did I, after all these days discover this? Simple. All these days, my only form of (and very rare) interaction with her was the telephone, and the calls were few and far between. Though these calls left me with a vague sense of emptiness, this feeling didn’t last too long. In fact they lasted only till I started breathing again, which it to say that it was almost instantaneous. But then there was no escaping the fact that, whenever I talked to her, I still held my breath. (I guess it goes to prove quite a lot, which I conveniently failed to notice all these days.)

But today, today, it was different. There was a sudden crash, there was lightning and all of a sudden I was rubbing my eyes, and I saw an angel. Yeah, I didn’t believe in them either, but that was till today. Without warning, the best girl I have ever met came to my place, just because she wanted to see me. (I hope that does mean something…  )

She graced my place with her presence for a little over thirty minutes, in which I barely had spoken a handful of words, not because of a lack of things, but because of the overwhelming number of things that were going around in my mind, and all of them waiting to get out at once, at the slightest sign of affection from her.

Finally after I bid her a cautious good bye, the vague feeling of emptiness, returned and this time, it simply refused to pass.

After all this, there is one thing I can conclude, and that conclusion, has at least given me some peace of mind and heart.

Conclusion:

I am still not over her, and won’t get over it, in a very very long time to come, and I better learn to live with it.

Armed with this truth, I march ahead to face my life, and a lot of other girls… She isn’t the only one you see. (Liar.)