I'm feelin'
Saturday, November 22, 2003
One Day while travelling
Sitting in the bus, I realize, it has been ages since I have last travelled with someone.
The last journey of mine with another friend was to a place called Dharmavaram in Andhra Pradesh. It was way back in 2001. The day - 5th of February.
That was for me one of the most exciting journeys I ever undertook, because for the first time ever, I as travelling with a girl…
Thinking about all this, tossing and turning through the night, the bus I was travelling in finally hit the borders of Bombay.
A sight which I have never dreamed of greeted my eye, empty roads, closed shops and most of all, silence, deadly and deafening… as I was running through the option in my head, I heard the dreaded words… “Haan Saab, Aaj Bandh Hain� ( Yes sir, it is a curfew today), to top it all, it was a bandh called by the dreaded and infamous “Shiv Sena�.
To reach my intended destination – Mira Rd. Was Made impossible by cancelled trains and a complete halting of any other form of transport, public or private. Clutching my now useless ticket, which set me back by eight rupees, I started to walk out of the railway station…
My new destination – Khar. With my bag slung over a shoulder, I walk to a nearby group of policemen and ask for directions. After receiving directions – several of them conflicting, I setoff in the general direction.
Three quarters of an hour later, I reach my destination, sweating but not tired. All through out the walk, there was one thing that kept me going… the spirit of travel.
Tying two disjointed thoughts together, I begin to wonder, am I a part time traveller who craves for company or am I true traveller who loves to discover people and places alone?
Sitting in my gujarathi colleague’ s home in khar, my first feeling was discomfort.
Here I was sitting in a place where I did not know a single soul and this was a place where I would have never landed, but for the godforsaken bandh. Sitting in their front room, smelling the spicy aroma of garnishing, I begin to wonder – do gujarathis ever have spicy food?
Hundreds and thousands of thoughts pummel me and tickle me, but the one feeling of discomfort ceases to quit. All of a sudden I feel the need to go for a walk, and a long quiet one. Thank you sir.
Times like these make me want to go back home, to familiar surroundings, familiar sights and familiar people. Whether I will stll be able to break free still remains to be seen. I don’t know whether I will be able to take a stand or will I as always look for a valid reason to make my exit?
Too many feelings and too little coherent thought… A writers blog.. er.. block?
|
Sitting in the bus, I realize, it has been ages since I have last travelled with someone.
The last journey of mine with another friend was to a place called Dharmavaram in Andhra Pradesh. It was way back in 2001. The day - 5th of February.
That was for me one of the most exciting journeys I ever undertook, because for the first time ever, I as travelling with a girl…
Thinking about all this, tossing and turning through the night, the bus I was travelling in finally hit the borders of Bombay.
A sight which I have never dreamed of greeted my eye, empty roads, closed shops and most of all, silence, deadly and deafening… as I was running through the option in my head, I heard the dreaded words… “Haan Saab, Aaj Bandh Hain� ( Yes sir, it is a curfew today), to top it all, it was a bandh called by the dreaded and infamous “Shiv Sena�.
To reach my intended destination – Mira Rd. Was Made impossible by cancelled trains and a complete halting of any other form of transport, public or private. Clutching my now useless ticket, which set me back by eight rupees, I started to walk out of the railway station…
My new destination – Khar. With my bag slung over a shoulder, I walk to a nearby group of policemen and ask for directions. After receiving directions – several of them conflicting, I setoff in the general direction.
Three quarters of an hour later, I reach my destination, sweating but not tired. All through out the walk, there was one thing that kept me going… the spirit of travel.
Tying two disjointed thoughts together, I begin to wonder, am I a part time traveller who craves for company or am I true traveller who loves to discover people and places alone?
Sitting in my gujarathi colleague’ s home in khar, my first feeling was discomfort.
Here I was sitting in a place where I did not know a single soul and this was a place where I would have never landed, but for the godforsaken bandh. Sitting in their front room, smelling the spicy aroma of garnishing, I begin to wonder – do gujarathis ever have spicy food?
Hundreds and thousands of thoughts pummel me and tickle me, but the one feeling of discomfort ceases to quit. All of a sudden I feel the need to go for a walk, and a long quiet one. Thank you sir.
Times like these make me want to go back home, to familiar surroundings, familiar sights and familiar people. Whether I will stll be able to break free still remains to be seen. I don’t know whether I will be able to take a stand or will I as always look for a valid reason to make my exit?
Too many feelings and too little coherent thought… A writers blog.. er.. block?
Friday, November 21, 2003
Random Thought.... Sept 24th 2003
Never was I interested in any girl. For me it was all a passing fancy, I fancied a girl one day, another one another day. They were all for me, objects, sometimes objects of pure fun, sometimes objects of desire. I never dreamed of getting one for myself, nor did I make any rude passes at them. They were just unreachable objects. Probably in the annals of my mind I considered them divine, because, making passes and taking filth about these objects at the very least put me off, and after all these years I still cant digest it.
It all started when I was sixteen or maybe seventeen, I don’t remember the year but I still remember the date, it was the 3rd of December, when I first had a physical encounter with a girl.
It was, at that point of time a major source of guilt, but today I laugh it away, for, it was just a hug, a simple hug, but the emotions inside me were all mixed and blood rushed to my head and I felt light and heavy all at the same time. It was when I left my innocence aside.
After a while, the exact time, I am not sure, I suddenly realized that I could make friends with girls very easily. And as I made more and more friend I realized that, it was the same with them, and then the universal truth dawned upon me, the two sexes were made to be together and that, a man and a woman, other things being constant, would make better friend than two people of the same sex.
At that time, I was so held in awe by my other friends that, I could have sit under a tree, preach this knowledge to an awestruck group of my friends and getaway with it. My friends being the normal (read orthodox) guys they were (thinking that approaching a girl would tantamount to proposing marriage, at least a later date and later stage) started to come to me for all kinds of advice. The result, I became the fulcrum of the group.
There was another direct effect, which I failed to realize at the point of time, all this attention being paid to me and the looking up to me led me to believe that I was invincible, and in a subtle sort of a I led all my lady friends to believe the same.
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Never was I interested in any girl. For me it was all a passing fancy, I fancied a girl one day, another one another day. They were all for me, objects, sometimes objects of pure fun, sometimes objects of desire. I never dreamed of getting one for myself, nor did I make any rude passes at them. They were just unreachable objects. Probably in the annals of my mind I considered them divine, because, making passes and taking filth about these objects at the very least put me off, and after all these years I still cant digest it.
It all started when I was sixteen or maybe seventeen, I don’t remember the year but I still remember the date, it was the 3rd of December, when I first had a physical encounter with a girl.
It was, at that point of time a major source of guilt, but today I laugh it away, for, it was just a hug, a simple hug, but the emotions inside me were all mixed and blood rushed to my head and I felt light and heavy all at the same time. It was when I left my innocence aside.
After a while, the exact time, I am not sure, I suddenly realized that I could make friends with girls very easily. And as I made more and more friend I realized that, it was the same with them, and then the universal truth dawned upon me, the two sexes were made to be together and that, a man and a woman, other things being constant, would make better friend than two people of the same sex.
At that time, I was so held in awe by my other friends that, I could have sit under a tree, preach this knowledge to an awestruck group of my friends and getaway with it. My friends being the normal (read orthodox) guys they were (thinking that approaching a girl would tantamount to proposing marriage, at least a later date and later stage) started to come to me for all kinds of advice. The result, I became the fulcrum of the group.
There was another direct effect, which I failed to realize at the point of time, all this attention being paid to me and the looking up to me led me to believe that I was invincible, and in a subtle sort of a I led all my lady friends to believe the same.
Why do I feel like a refugee? An asylum seeker, in a place I call home? Why am I having these bouts of depression, as always, in times like these, a million questions race through my mind?
I now know hoe it feel like to have nothing to do, yet desperately wanting to have something to do. Why am I not able to end up with out a job? Is it because I am worthless? Do I deserve this jobless situation?
After being selected for one of the most prestigious programs, and being among one of the five people in the whole of the world to be selected, it is definitely not be jobless after I quit the program.
Is it because that I do not have it in me, or is it because I just don’t try hard enough? I wish I knew answers to at least one of these questions…
In times like these, I wish I had someone who understands my desperation, and my feelings, I wish, my parents talked to me more openly about what is bothering them, rather than being secretive and moving around gloomily not saying a thing.
Why am I going thru a time like this? Is it because my parents are not in their usual spirits and I am blaming their gloom on myself?
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I now know hoe it feel like to have nothing to do, yet desperately wanting to have something to do. Why am I not able to end up with out a job? Is it because I am worthless? Do I deserve this jobless situation?
After being selected for one of the most prestigious programs, and being among one of the five people in the whole of the world to be selected, it is definitely not be jobless after I quit the program.
Is it because that I do not have it in me, or is it because I just don’t try hard enough? I wish I knew answers to at least one of these questions…
In times like these, I wish I had someone who understands my desperation, and my feelings, I wish, my parents talked to me more openly about what is bothering them, rather than being secretive and moving around gloomily not saying a thing.
Why am I going thru a time like this? Is it because my parents are not in their usual spirits and I am blaming their gloom on myself?
One Day....
Feeling pretty darn low, I do not know exactly why I am feeling the way I am, probably it is just only me, but then I guess there is more to this than what is exactly coming up to the surface.
There is a feeling of loneliness, a feeling that I have never felt in years, a feeling of having lost something forever and having a dull ache, that is getting worse and at the same time becoming increasingly difficult to point out. My feelings, I am not able to fathom, they are just there, when the well up in my mind and when they lie dormant, I am totally unaware.
Pondering and delving, and looking into myself, I have finally agreed with my conscience, that the private hell that I have been going through has entirely been my fault, and the direct result of my doings, which were, to say the least, acts of utter shamelessness, or probably a youthful lack of conscience.
There is nothing I can do but painfully and shamefully tell myself that, I probably deserve it, but then, one end of my mind is still asking me the question, “but do I actually deserve it?” The answer, as in cases like this is both yes and no.
There was a time when I was full of youthful exuberance and of course with the requisite glands working overtime, I did the inevitable, go around with countless number of girls, have friends only of the opposite sex and the works…
By now, you must be having a fair idea of where all this is leading to…yeah you got it right, girls, that inevitable part of life which at the same point of time gives us immense pain and pleasure, but in the unpleasant case of a mistake or a misunderstanding, more of the former.
And as worst of luck would have it, in my case it turned out to be that, it was both mistake and misunderstanding… on both of our part. If you are thinking that this might be a la comedy of errors, you have got it almost right, well almost, because as of now, it is carrying on as rather a tragedy of mistakes.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
The day started a bit differently from how they have been starting off till yesterday, in fact, it was supposed to start differently, bored with sitting on my ass for one whole month, I decided that I would bring about a change and make everyday productive, so planning my day on the night before, I slept early woke up early exercised and thought, so far so good, but my mind or rather my sixth sense, that is if I have the other five, didn’t exactly feel right…
I was to start off my career today, as in planning it, but the first step, discouragement, “you can’t do it!”, “you don’t have the aptitude to work hard” , “for this line you will have to plan a year before, and you will not do it!” every conceivable reason for telling me that it was not worth my while.
That was not exactly what, I had in my mind, but, well, knowing my very encouraging family, I must have expected it, but, well, I did not. My woes did not end there, I thought I would be treated to some encouraging words about an alternative career, but all I got was, “it is entirely up to you, you can do what ever you want to” (read if you want to go to hell, we don’t care, you are most welcome), “but you know, it is not good to sit at home after a certain age doing nothing”, who ever said anything about sitting home?
Then as I was feeling agitated, the words of my mentor, came to my mind, “If you want the comforts and luxuries of home, bear in silence what your parent or the ones who are bearing your burden say, and do as they will, but if you want to have your own way, get out of your home and do your own thing. You cannot expect best of both worlds”. Precise, I thought, now even after all these thoughts I am totally lost as to what to do, one thing I am sure of is that, I have to leave my home. Fast.
As always, there is more to it, than meets the eye; I want some money, rather a job which can get me some fast money, the immediate thought – call centers, but then, it would be against my principles to get to work in a call center, but on the other hand, I need money (more than what I currently have in my bank) to stay out of my place, so what do I do? Call a few of my friends, who stay in other states and ask them if they can manage a job for me. If all else fails, I will go back to the last resort... a call center,
Thursday, September 11, 2003
The feelings come to me as a rush, as fast as the oncoming gusts in an automobile cutting through the wind at a hundred miles an hour.
As I think about her long gentle fingers running through my hair, my hear resting against her petite bosom, not talking anything just enjoying each others company, silence more than making up for the words unspoken, the reality hits me just as hard, these moments are with me only to be cherished as distant memories, never to be experienced again.
The distant ache which has become my constant companion in my waking moments, returns, and my mind has become the aches sojourn. Loneliness creeps like a mist, so dense, so deep, so impenetrable and so intensely overwhelming. I am beginning to dislike company more and more, preferring the company of the dull ache to that of my friends, who have loyally been on my side for more years than I can remember.
What has made me, a man, who has never thought about life with out a company so gay, turn into a recluse, a troglodyte? Sometimes, I search within me for an answer, but to my dismay, I find none. I keep thinking more and more about the person I truly loved, and I still truly love, feeling nothing but sadness about our parting, but a corner of my heart still aching to see her, to behold her in the eyes, if not in the arms…
True, after all these years as a freewheeling soul with nary a care in life, this unexpected and extremely pleasurable turn of events changed my life, probably for now and forever. I became happier, frolicker, until the fateful day, when the universe walked out of my life. Never have I been the same after that. Whether I will get back to normal remains to be seen, perhaps, time will be the best prophet.
Every girl, whether looking at me, or giving me an appraising glance, reminds me of the only person I have been insanely possessive about, whether I did something wrong by becoming totally dependant on one person, I still do not know, but whatever my ponderings, the two years I have lived have been my best memories and will remain to be so. But will I ever get out of the shadow? I wonder.
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
Can some one make the hurting stop? I never knew that I could possibly love someone, so deeply so passionately, only to be rejected, to be uncared for. Though my hear and head seem to be set upon the idea of not accepting the stark truth that she no longer cares for me, I guess, it the truth, and in time, I (the head and the heart) will realize it.
I love her so much that, it hurts and hurts really bad. As a guy, who has been infamous for being a flirt and not having a conscience (though I must admit that I always had one and it pricked most of the time) I am having a really tough time.
Now I am sure, at least for the time being that there is no one I deem to be fit to share my life except her, and I have, against my wishes, become totally dependent on her. She occupies each and every thought of mine.
There is not a single instant in a day where I do not think of her, and to have her, not even think twice about not saying sorry; in spite of me literally begging with her to apologize to me hurts even further.
If there is something I dearly wish, I wish, she would realize how much I truly adore her, and how desperately I need her, I would gladly die for it.
It really hurts…
That is all I can say, before I break down and shamelessly cry…
But I still do love her; can some one kill me to get rid of the pain?
Can someone tell her? Anyone.
I am willing to trade anything for it. Anything.
|
Feeling pretty darn low, I do not know exactly why I am feeling the way I am, probably it is just only me, but then I guess there is more to this than what is exactly coming up to the surface.
There is a feeling of loneliness, a feeling that I have never felt in years, a feeling of having lost something forever and having a dull ache, that is getting worse and at the same time becoming increasingly difficult to point out. My feelings, I am not able to fathom, they are just there, when the well up in my mind and when they lie dormant, I am totally unaware.
Pondering and delving, and looking into myself, I have finally agreed with my conscience, that the private hell that I have been going through has entirely been my fault, and the direct result of my doings, which were, to say the least, acts of utter shamelessness, or probably a youthful lack of conscience.
There is nothing I can do but painfully and shamefully tell myself that, I probably deserve it, but then, one end of my mind is still asking me the question, “but do I actually deserve it?” The answer, as in cases like this is both yes and no.
There was a time when I was full of youthful exuberance and of course with the requisite glands working overtime, I did the inevitable, go around with countless number of girls, have friends only of the opposite sex and the works…
By now, you must be having a fair idea of where all this is leading to…yeah you got it right, girls, that inevitable part of life which at the same point of time gives us immense pain and pleasure, but in the unpleasant case of a mistake or a misunderstanding, more of the former.
And as worst of luck would have it, in my case it turned out to be that, it was both mistake and misunderstanding… on both of our part. If you are thinking that this might be a la comedy of errors, you have got it almost right, well almost, because as of now, it is carrying on as rather a tragedy of mistakes.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
The day started a bit differently from how they have been starting off till yesterday, in fact, it was supposed to start differently, bored with sitting on my ass for one whole month, I decided that I would bring about a change and make everyday productive, so planning my day on the night before, I slept early woke up early exercised and thought, so far so good, but my mind or rather my sixth sense, that is if I have the other five, didn’t exactly feel right…
I was to start off my career today, as in planning it, but the first step, discouragement, “you can’t do it!”, “you don’t have the aptitude to work hard” , “for this line you will have to plan a year before, and you will not do it!” every conceivable reason for telling me that it was not worth my while.
That was not exactly what, I had in my mind, but, well, knowing my very encouraging family, I must have expected it, but, well, I did not. My woes did not end there, I thought I would be treated to some encouraging words about an alternative career, but all I got was, “it is entirely up to you, you can do what ever you want to” (read if you want to go to hell, we don’t care, you are most welcome), “but you know, it is not good to sit at home after a certain age doing nothing”, who ever said anything about sitting home?
Then as I was feeling agitated, the words of my mentor, came to my mind, “If you want the comforts and luxuries of home, bear in silence what your parent or the ones who are bearing your burden say, and do as they will, but if you want to have your own way, get out of your home and do your own thing. You cannot expect best of both worlds”. Precise, I thought, now even after all these thoughts I am totally lost as to what to do, one thing I am sure of is that, I have to leave my home. Fast.
As always, there is more to it, than meets the eye; I want some money, rather a job which can get me some fast money, the immediate thought – call centers, but then, it would be against my principles to get to work in a call center, but on the other hand, I need money (more than what I currently have in my bank) to stay out of my place, so what do I do? Call a few of my friends, who stay in other states and ask them if they can manage a job for me. If all else fails, I will go back to the last resort... a call center,
Thursday, September 11, 2003
The feelings come to me as a rush, as fast as the oncoming gusts in an automobile cutting through the wind at a hundred miles an hour.
As I think about her long gentle fingers running through my hair, my hear resting against her petite bosom, not talking anything just enjoying each others company, silence more than making up for the words unspoken, the reality hits me just as hard, these moments are with me only to be cherished as distant memories, never to be experienced again.
The distant ache which has become my constant companion in my waking moments, returns, and my mind has become the aches sojourn. Loneliness creeps like a mist, so dense, so deep, so impenetrable and so intensely overwhelming. I am beginning to dislike company more and more, preferring the company of the dull ache to that of my friends, who have loyally been on my side for more years than I can remember.
What has made me, a man, who has never thought about life with out a company so gay, turn into a recluse, a troglodyte? Sometimes, I search within me for an answer, but to my dismay, I find none. I keep thinking more and more about the person I truly loved, and I still truly love, feeling nothing but sadness about our parting, but a corner of my heart still aching to see her, to behold her in the eyes, if not in the arms…
True, after all these years as a freewheeling soul with nary a care in life, this unexpected and extremely pleasurable turn of events changed my life, probably for now and forever. I became happier, frolicker, until the fateful day, when the universe walked out of my life. Never have I been the same after that. Whether I will get back to normal remains to be seen, perhaps, time will be the best prophet.
Every girl, whether looking at me, or giving me an appraising glance, reminds me of the only person I have been insanely possessive about, whether I did something wrong by becoming totally dependant on one person, I still do not know, but whatever my ponderings, the two years I have lived have been my best memories and will remain to be so. But will I ever get out of the shadow? I wonder.
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
Can some one make the hurting stop? I never knew that I could possibly love someone, so deeply so passionately, only to be rejected, to be uncared for. Though my hear and head seem to be set upon the idea of not accepting the stark truth that she no longer cares for me, I guess, it the truth, and in time, I (the head and the heart) will realize it.
I love her so much that, it hurts and hurts really bad. As a guy, who has been infamous for being a flirt and not having a conscience (though I must admit that I always had one and it pricked most of the time) I am having a really tough time.
Now I am sure, at least for the time being that there is no one I deem to be fit to share my life except her, and I have, against my wishes, become totally dependent on her. She occupies each and every thought of mine.
There is not a single instant in a day where I do not think of her, and to have her, not even think twice about not saying sorry; in spite of me literally begging with her to apologize to me hurts even further.
If there is something I dearly wish, I wish, she would realize how much I truly adore her, and how desperately I need her, I would gladly die for it.
It really hurts…
That is all I can say, before I break down and shamelessly cry…
But I still do love her; can some one kill me to get rid of the pain?
Can someone tell her? Anyone.
I am willing to trade anything for it. Anything.
